I’m on the train....It's packed full of people sardined together, sitting in complete silence.
Heads down, looking at mobiles, I pads, and laptops. Scrolling through texts, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram…No one is talking...Silence. Only the occasional voice of the guard echoing through the carriage is heard as we approach the next station...."Next stop, Central..."
Eyes carefully positioned so that no one looks at one another, and if by chance they did, they are quickly averted with a speed that would seriously contest the current land speed record...
5 days a week, 40 weeks per year to and from Work, College, Uni....Silence.
What is going on?
"I don’t associate with people at work!" I recall one of my colleagues say.
Profiles on social platforms, eluding to picturesque lives, sharing what we ate for breakfast, commenting on just how funny the little kitten that played with the roll of toilet paper was!
Fun, Laughter, Sharing, Smiles!
But I just couldn’t see it here, now.
Here, now, I saw rigid, mild mannered, hushed people, transporting silently through life.
There was a disconnect.
There was a disparity between the lives we portrayed with our family, friends, social media and the world we lived in.
The quiet, somber trains reflected it perfectly.
Where was the aliveness? The excitement and exuberance that emanated in our posts?
Surely Life didn’t happen sporadically? In Pockets, discerning where and where it gave itself?
I didn’t get it…
What was it that suggested we must behave one way in society, and another behind closed doors?
Life is 24/7.
You can’t pause it here…then press play there!
Shouldn’t we be free to be who and what we are anywhere? Alive, sharing, expressing, giving our all?
I certainly believed that.
At work, I constantly challenged my colleagues to explore their passions and dreams. Pushing them to ponder, explore and share.
The conversations would invariably lead to Living, and what it meant. I’d share my view about how we should be living our Lives to the fullest every moment, every day, no matter what.
My passion and conviction were strong. I genuinely believed in what I was saying.
But every time I did, I got a shrug…
A lifeless, silent shrug. One that made me feel that perhaps I was "out there" for thinking the way I did!
Why couldn't they see what I saw?
Their firm, settled view annoyed me. They were happy to present a disconnected version of themselves at work.
My confusion went into overdrive…
Until one day it struck me…
Who was I really challenging? Whose resistance was I really coming up against time and time again?
Who was I really trying to convince?
And what was the underlying belief and feeling that was constantly reinforced?
I was meditating daily. Did Yoga 4 to 5 times a week. Listened to enlightened videos, and coaches daily. But for many years I kept pestering people to agree with me. Inciting them to take action.
Until one day it dropped.
What I so desperately wanted out there, was what I desperately wanted inside me.
I wanted to feel the fullness of Life Everyday! I wanted a Life that was filled with exuberance, joy, playfully expressing myself from my core!
The resistance I was constantly getting from the world, was, in fact, my own resistance. It reflected where I truly was inside myself… Locked in an obedient perception of formality.
In a world where I had to abide and be like everyone else.
But something inside me didn’t fit in with this model.
Something inside me wanted to Live. Completely. Wholly. Fully expressing itself in the World. No matter where it was.
I had to find out.
I had to find that what was keeping me on the dreary monotonic treadmill I saw in Life…
Through a lot of Inner Work, Meditation, Mentoring, Ayurvedic treatment, Yoga and inner reflection, I found my answer.
I didn’t believe I deserved that Life.
Resistance, Judgment, Criticism, formed over time, buried deep inside me, constantly kept my desires at an arm’s length.
Unconscious Buried Beliefs and Emotions that stopped me from truly Living the life I WANTED.
My expectations of the World were a direct reflection of the Judgement of myself.
I realized that it wasn’t up to anyone else to Live the Life I wanted, It was up to me! And only me!
I needed to be the person I dreamt of being. Living. Being. Expressing myself freely.
I couldn’t wait for the perfect moment, the right atmosphere, right people to do it with. It had to be here and Now!
The dream of Living a free Life, where people met openly, sharing moments together, enriching each other in the process.
Feeling free to express me honestly anywhere anytime. Whether at a Cafe, in a Train, at Work, or in the gym, it didn’t matter!
It only mattered that I felt Alive!
The life I wanted outside of me had to become the Life inside of me…
Slowly, through a lot of inner work and a burning desire to Transform, I adopted a new mindset.
The change I wanted to see in my family and colleagues I turned inward.
I did what Life wanted me to do.
I began noticing how and where I judged. Turning judgment into an opportunity for self-expression.
I started talking to people around me.
People slowly opened up. Some wouldn’t, but that was okay. Because of me, Life starting to shine through the ones that did.
I would do it everywhere, on Trains, Buses, Bars, Clubs, Pubs… Starting with a simple "Hello..." Letting it roll from there.
I stopped waiting for people to join me.
I began doing what it was that I loved, chasing my dream of living the life I wanted.
I started to reflect the passions and desires that were inside me. If I was true to that, then I was true to myself!
Now, my friend often comments about the ease with which I connect with people….wondering how.
I say to him, "It’s simple. "It’s who I am!"
- Sotir Ivanovski
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"Life is Now...Live It!"
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