Blue skies everywhere.
I had taken a full dose of CBD oil the night before knowing that I had a heavy day of mourning ahead. I woke up early. We had a house full of relatives. I needed some breathing space; I took myself off for a 3-mile walk around our local fields. No sooner had I stepped out the drive that the tears were there again. How can this be my story now? Darling, where are you? Please, I need your help to get me through today. I am pleading with you - The Greater Unknown, you now have my late husband wrapped up in your arms and not mine...He was so loved, and he loved us. How dare you take him so early from our family?
No matter how much I wanted to wake up from this strange dream; it was one I could not possibly wake up from because it was now my living reality. One I had to simply face. And so I braved my way through each surreal moment of that day.
When the hearse arrived with Neale's coffin, I was ill-prepared. Lynne, a friend and our celebrant for that day, was waiting at the drive ready to receive me in her arms. Gladly I let her wrap her arms around me. I cry, I sob. I can't stop looking at the coffin inside that vehicle. Neale's body. Finished. Inside there.
We all got into our cars. A total of 6 cars followed the hearse. It was a lovely 50-minute drive through the Scottish countryside. Trees in bloom and gorse bushes dotted the hills. The different fields looked picturesque in their glorious and varying shades of greens. My brother-in-law Mark, drove our car. We remarked how absolutely stunning the weather was today. Perfect for a funeral of a man who loved blue skies.
The service was held at the crematorium in Friochham. Neale's older brother's Eulogy was heartbreakingly beautiful. Ligaia, our middle daughter, recited a poem by Robert Burns. I sobbed all the way through the service. Svana, our youngest, laid beside me and watched me cry my heart out as Neale's coffin was lowered down to the ground at the Committal just before the service finished. Neale's own voice singing through the sound system to mark the end of the programme. This man. My love. Gone.
Died. He's dead. Get it? I had to keep reminding myself. No, I don't get it.
Wedding ring still on my finger.
I felt betrayed.
This wasn't the same fairytale I had signed up for. Can I have him back please?
But, No...no reply from the Greater Unknown.
So after the service, we went back to our local village hall and was greeted with a lovely spread of cakes and nibbles, organised by the church members. We all gathered and ate, people chatted, the kids laughed and played.
Despite the wreckage I felt inside, I couldn't help but appreciate the warmth and love I received from Neale's family, our friends and neighbours. They were all there to support me. And I felt blessed to have such amazing people in my life.
And here I am. Writing this. Nearly four weeks since Neale passed. I have very emotional days, and not-so-emotional days. In between these, I just feel numb.
I feel that writing in the public forum like this helps me rid of some of this burden of loss. People who love and care about me message me to see how I am. More often than not, I just don't have it in me to reply. This blog is a way of saying thank you and showing my appreciation to those very people who care enough to say hello.
To read last week's blog, click here: