"You are doing so much better than you think"
My Low Self Esteem
For as long as I can remember, I have had low self-esteem. I don’t know where it came from and I am not that interested to find out as that will make no difference to me now.
I was a timid child, was bullied at school and was an active alcoholic until I was 34. During that time, I did function, went to school, college, worked and even set up a tourism business, all the time though I had little to no self-belief or confidence.
When things did work out, I always put it down to luck or someone else’s efforts. I had no drive, this too could be due to my drinking progressing and I was becoming more and more dysfunctional over time.
As I degenerated, my self-worth got worse until I could get no worse and the only way, I could go,was either 6 feet under or start to get better. With the Grace of God and my family, I started to get better (see my Bio).
That darn Ego
The main problem with having such low self-worth/esteem/value is that it is very hard to start to see yourself in a positive light. What I mean about this is the ego does kick in and at times I did get “big headed” about things and would “feel pride”, but almost in a snobbish way, if you know what I mean. Anyway, those egoic thoughts and feelings never lasted, as the ego deflates faster than it inflates and to add to that I would feel guilty for having an inflated ego in the first place.
One minute my egoic mind will be saying “Dermot, you are better than them”, next minute it will be saying “Dermot, you are a worthless piece of shit”. For anyone who can identify with this, and I would say most of this planet, it is a terrible place to be in your mind and heart.
The Mirror doesn't lie
But I need to constantly take off my blinkers, as this type of thinking and feeling only allows me to think in the past and fear the future, due to my past. I do make comparisons of myself over, times gone by and what I didn’t do or how I failed, and I compare myself against other people, which is a totally absurd thing for any of us to do, I’ll get to that further on.
In the past 15 years I have achieved so much, but at times I don’t see this growth and just take it and myself for granted. And that is the answer to my woes, lack of gratitude and appreciation for myself first and foremost.
I use the excuse or rationale that “So everyone does that, or isn’t that what normal people do?” But if I put myself back to day one of my recovery, I was still very broken and had a long way to go in recovery and life, I had to start again.
Back to basics
Like everything in life, you must start from somewhere and even me with little faith in myself did just that and began my long slow trek up the mountain of life.
At least I had started, and it has been a roller coaster of a journey but stopping to look now just how far I’ve come and what I’ve achieved is enormous, in all areas.
Now I’m not a self-made millionaire or celebrity, but I have achieved something for which most of my first 34 years on this planet was only a distant dream, even more, distant than being financially successful or being popular.
My Break Through
I got married and had a family. So, what?, you may say, but until 11 years ago, I was resigned to the fact that being a bachelor and lonely was to be my lot in life. I even had notions of joining the priesthood, as maybe that was my calling.
I was never in a relationship for more than a couple of months, in fact, I had only ever been in two. I was very doubtful and miserable as I thought, I am now 4 years sober, single, lonely, living from paycheque to paycheque, so recovery is not what it was cut out to be.
A deeper Awareness
A bleak negative outlook which only compounded my own negative self-beliefs. But wait a minute there Dermot, in the last four years I had achieved more than I had done in the 10 previous, I had got sober, stayed sober and in recovery (of sorts at times), emigrated, gone back to education, qualified as an Addiction Counsellor and working in a Treatment Centre. I was climbing that mountain, though my focus was still on the top of the mountain and just how far I had yet to go…. To what, though.
My life goals were still very unclear, but my desire to NOT be single anymore was also great. I’m a strong believer, that when you want something bad enough with all your heart, even when your head is telling you it won’t happen, it does, but you must really want it.
Miracles do happen
Well, my wife to be, came into my life, just to have a girlfriend was a miracle of sorts, for me, to last a year was another massive milestone, to get engaged was just surreal for me, as my head was saying, this should not be happening to you. I had to pinch myself on my wedding day, as I found it hard to believe, I was getting married. That wasn’t meant to happen to me!!!
Then the unbelievable happened, my wife fell pregnant and we had a son. Me a dad, not in my wildest dreams, this had to be someone else, not me. We have 2 sons now and I still must sit back at times and pinch myself, is this real or just a dream and when will I wake up to my version of reality.
So, am I still looking up the mountain? Yes, but at least I am not at the bottom anymore.
So, if you feel that you are at the bottom of your mountain and are full of self-doubt, low self-esteem & belief, my advice to you is:
Look at where you have come from:
1. Write down all your achievements, no matter how small:
Emotionally – (I have put this first, as I do believe that both your good and bad feelings are your strongest motivators in life)
Negative emotions Positive emotions
Alcoholism Freedom from Alcoholism
Single/lonely Wedding Day
Thoughts – These drive everything and if left unchecked can take you literally anywhere, unfortunately with low self-esteem it is usually negative.
Negative thoughts Positive thoughts (Now & Future)
I can’t……. I did before, I can again
It won’t It did before, it can again
It never…. It has, it will
Behaviors – Normally thought driven, but some people are kinesthetic and doing things is more important than thinking or feeling
Negative behaviors Positive Behaviors
Snooze button Get up straight away
Watching TV Read a book
Sitting too long Go for a walk
Not exercising Exercise
Do you see how this works?
You can take any experience in your life and literally turn it around, as there is a very good chance that somewhere in your past you have already done so before. Practice, like in anything, makes perfect and the more you turn things around for yourself the better sooner you will see results and the better you will begin to feel.
2. Affirmations – List affirmations for yourself, and you can get help with these on Google, there are literally thousands but try first to list your own. List ones that are congruent on how you both think and feel and that suit YOU. Start small and build yourself up, even if you just use one affirmation a day, to begin with. Make it a “mantra” or print it out and stick it to your fridge, mirror, bed, wherever.
3. Gratification – Everyday look for and appreciate the small things in YOUR life, like the little miracles of everyday life. Nature is a great example, yes even the rain. Make a gratitude list if you want but, do try to list at least 3 things a day that you are grateful for. Remember being congruent, don’t just say it, feel it.
4. STOP beating yourself up and comparing yourself, as that is Self-defeating and will only make you feel worse. Mistakes are meant to happen; how do you think we learn in life. Thomas Edison took 10,000 attempts to create a light bulb, and when challenged on this he said that he didn’t see each attempt as a failure, but a learning as how not to do it the next time. We should all take a leaf from his book.
5. Never judge others, as when you judge someone you are not doing it out of superiority, but out of inferiority. You are in fact judging yourself more severely.
6. Take a risk and do something totally out of the norm for yourself like I did:
Now, talking about changes and challenging yourself, I invite you to take a look at this:
The internet is here and it is the future, so there is no point in being left behind or putting my head in the sand, so I am going to share with you what I've done, take it or leave it
Are You ready to try it out Yourself?
I have 2 amazing mentors, Stuart and Jay, who created a company called Six Figure Mentors (SFM), and together we will teach you the A to Z on how to start up an attraction marketing business from scratch and propel you (at your own pace) into the World of Online Entrepreneurs.
We have a FREE 7 day, no obligation, Video Series explaining exactly who SFM/DEA are, what the do & what they offer. It is well worth the watch.
Are You interested in finding out more? or are happy with your current existence.