“Passing the buck” is a learned behaviour, linked to our fight or flight response, which does eventually develop into a habit over time. As kids we used blame and made excuses as a defence mechanism, so as not to get into trouble when we had been naughty or done something wrong. The rest so to say is history.
Hi there it’s Dermot again, I found myself going down this road lately, fault finding, blaming and making every excuse under the sun. The worst thing is that I wasn’t fully aware that I was doing this, but I did feel out of sorts. I downloaded Mel Robbins’ Kick Ass, audio book, for some subconscious reason and she did just that: Kick my Ass.
Well now as I am awakening and have reigned in a lot of the “poor me”,” give up”,” never again”, “I can’t do it, it’s too hard”, “it’s all their fault”, “why me…….” Thought processes, and do feel better for it. I’ve taken on board the tactic of naming my negativity “Diana”, which is a name my sister gave me as a child whenever I was crying or went running to my mummy. I hated that name and it was the first of many nasty nick names I had in my life. So when I catch myself starting to blame or make excuses, all I say to myself is “Shut the F**k up Diana”, & it works.
Let’s look at blame and excuses. An excuse is just a blame justification, for example: “I can’t do on line marketing as I am not tech savvy”. I’ve used this a thousand times, every time I get overwhelmed or am confronted with a technical difficulty. It’s a great cop out and initially, yes I’m emotionally frustrated with my computer, the internet etcetera, then I feel justified that it is too hard and only a genius or geek could do it. Then in a short period of time my feelings change to a bit of guilt, and silliness as I know that once my tantrum is over, it is actually something that can be learned and it is do able, if I ask for help. When I do figure it out, I think “What was all the fuss about anyway” Fight or flight is over, adrenaline has settled and end I up laughing.
That process can take as short as 5 minutes or might last longer, where the overwhelm gets too much and I turn off the computer, quite aggressively. But during it my emotions can spike, on many a night my wife has been looking at me quite perplexed whilst I’m trying to develop a website and says to me “whatever you are doing stop it as it is turning you into an irritable grump”. She is right as I do get irritated and it becomes everything and everyone else’s fault, even her. “Calm the F***K down Diana”, is what I need to say to myself.
When things go wrong or not to our liking the last thing any of us want to do is to take responsibility.
Because we don’t want to face the consequences or take the blame.
Because we are afraid.
Because from a young age, we knew that when we did wrong we where punished for it. So it was a lot easier to blame others or make an excuse for it. When we were kids we used such excuses like “The dog ate my homework”, “It was the boy next door”, “I didn’t see it”, this progressed in adulthood to “The traffic was terrible”, “I had a flat tyre”, “The train was delayed”, and so on and so forth. We all have our own examples. If you have become co-dependent like me, taking responsibility can be very fearful at first and is always preceded by massive self doubt.
We normally make these excuses to avoid judgement, but they do not make anyone feel good as they are a lie, in most cases.
When blaming becomes a full blown habit, you might not even be aware that you are doing it.
For example, you are driving down the road and you hit a speed hump. Straight away you blame the speed hump and how can anybody be so stupid to put a speed hump there, then you blame the council for that. It would be a lot easier just to say, I should have been looking where I was going and slowed down. But no, we only do that on reflection after the event. Our initial reaction is to immediately find fault, to try our best to justify our own negligence and even make sense of it.
Only someone who is really enlightened will admit at the time and say, I should have been paying more attention. The legal industry makes a living out of our need to blame and point fingers.
Another example is politics. Watch any session of parliament on TV, and that’s all it is, blame, blame & excuses. No one is willing to take responsibility.
Blame and excuses, are a cop out, but it’s not that you get away scot free. When you blame and don’t take responsibility it actually makes you physically weaker and you stay in the victim role. It has the same effect as lying.
Blame inflates your ego, with “I’m never wrong, I’m always right” attitude. That was the same attitude many despots and dictators have and had. Then when the Poor Me’s get involved you end up blaming yourself “I never get anything right, it’s all my fault” Woe is me!!
So what do we do now?
Take ownership: of everything and keep doing it, even when you are not at fault, take responsibility: My son told a little lie the last day, which I ended up being blamed for. I could have scolded him for lying, but I thought, why get him into trouble and it was only a little white lie and wasn’t important.
Let go: of things that are not that important, really ask yourself, is it worth all the agro just so you can justify yourself.
Don’t take yourself or anyone else too seriously: Life is too short to hold silly resentments.
You will still be confronted with the trials of life, but look at each trial as a challenge, an experience a part of this wonderful journey we call life.
Be a survivor.
Tony Robbins says change the Metaphor, it is a simple as that, just be consistent.
I have found working on the web has been a huge challenge for me as it has taken me right outside of my comfort zone and slam dunked me into what was one of my biggest fears – The internet. I still get overwhelmed with the amount of info to take in, but rather than lose the head and blame, take responsibility and ask for help. At the end of the day the internet is only a thing, as is my laptop.
For anyone who is prone to blame and make excuses, just remember, it is fear based and you are its victim, It’s time to break free and do something that challenges you. On line marketing will definitely do that for you and it’s a damn site less risky than Bunge jumping.
I do try to learn from my mistakes, and that is why they are little miracles in themselves that happen for a reason. I am a growth seeking being I will continue to seek change in myself. What motivates me is the Pain – Pleasure, which moves me away from my pain points (a lack of finances, time & peace of mind) to my pleasure points (freedom of finances, time & peace of mind). The way I have found to achieve this freedom and to move away from the “Groundhog Day” of life is through on line marketing. I have taken this step into the abyss, I’m not tech savvy at all, and with the support of SFM, I am working my way through it. The internet is here to stay and is the future for all of us, so don’t get left behind because it is gaining momentum. If you want to learn what I am learning and are in a point in your life where you want change, then I offer you, through my mentors, a no obligation FREE 7 day video series to watch.