How To NOT Get People To Buy From You

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I had an almost vomit-inducing encounter with a rancid bag of pus the other day.

Background: on LinkedIn I invite people to message me if they want to fix a time to talk about growing their business.

Anyway, apropos my offer — or so I thought — the following dropped into my message box:

Hi Joe, how are you? Hope business is going well… Can you take on any more clients at the moment or are you at capacity? All the best. Chris
A reasonable question, right?

I mean, nothing sleazy so far, eh?

So my reply was friendly if noncommittal:

Chris,

I’m well… nothing a cold beer and a juicy steak couldn’t fix.

Clients: in principle, yes, we have space for another two or three, depending on what they want and need from us.

What exactly are you looking for?

Talk soon,

Joe
Alas, it was here he lanced the boil and allowed the pus to dribble onto his keyboard:

Hi Joe, thanks for your message.

The reason I asked about capacity is because as you are b2b, you are ideally placed to take advantage of this offer and receive your list of high quality prospects in the next 48 hours… Totally free, with no obligation.

Take a look at this 2 minute video and let me know if you’ve got any questions?

[redacted link from sleazy bag of pus]

Cheers, Chris
Ugh.

I felt my gorge rise and I was almost overcome by the need to bleach my eyeballs and throw myself into a scalding hot shower.

I felt sullied and not a little violated (and not in a nice kinky way).

So here’s what I sent back:

You know, you’re exactly the kind of sleazy shit I don’t aspire to become.

Off you fuck.
What’s wrong with this?

I mean, you might think it’s a perfectly acceptable way to drum up business.

Not in my book, it’s not.

It’s sneaky, slimy, and full of guile.

And if he’s prepared to be this much of a skidmark now, then what else about him and his business is shady?

But never mind all that, there’s a glaring problem with the whole premise.

First, if his methods of getting high quality prospects is so fucking amazing, why is he targeting me, when a moment’s study would show him I’m perhaps the worst person in the entire fucking world to target with this kind of duplicitous shit.

And secondly, even if the prospects are well-targeted, is this how he recommends his clients approach them?

For the Love of All That’s Holy, spare me.

Still, it’s a great example of how low people in my industry are prepared to stoop (he reached the bottom of the Sleaze Barrel, chewed through it, and carried right on down in his plunge to the nadir of good taste), and an object lesson why you need to be careful when you’re looking for help with your marketing.

Me?

Well, I’m not nice. Nice is overrated (and often slimy).

But I am decent.

And while there’s a whole army of people out there who don’t like me, there’s not a one who’d legitimately question my honesty and integrity.

You want sleaze, slime, and shady, shifty shitbags?

Or the fluffy-bunnyesque love of Joe?

‘Sup to you.

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Talk soon,

Joe

P.S. I’ve been I meditating every morning over the last week or so, and while i’d been enjoying it, there wasn’t any evidence to show whether it was beneficial or not.

Well… now there is. Maybe (it’s a small sample size).

The other morning I woke from an unpleasant dream, the kind where the mood in your dream sticks with you when you wake up, and even though you know it’s all bollocks and was just a dream, you still feel like crap.

So I was sad and a bit down…

… but I got out of bed and went downstairs to kick off my day as usual with 20 minutes’ meditation…

… and when I was done I felt my usual annoyingly cheerful self.

Anyway, apropos nothing…

 
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