STOPPING AND STARTING OVER AND OVER
Are you the kind of person that starts something and loses interest and then finds something else shiny and then loses interest int that? Have you had one job after another not really knowing what your passion is or where your talents lie? Do you think about owning something of your own but then talk yourself out of it? Do you really want to contribute your voice to the world but have know idea where to start?
My life seems to have this pattern about it. I start thinking about starting something. Perhaps, a business or an artistic endeavor. I would think about something I really enjoyed. I would begin to investigate the possibilities and even get excited. Slowly but surely challenges would come up. Conflicts with schedules, family members doubting the possibility, finances etc.
Before you know it the negative self talk sets in and I say to myself, “See Annie you shouldn’t be distracted from your obligations. You have got to stay on target. Don’t rock the boat. Just carry on with your daily routines of being a wife and a mother and don’t reach for anything else outside of that”. Then I would be uber focused on being a great Wife and Mother. If this hamster wheel I kept putting myself on helped me loose weight I’d be a skinny minny by now. I just couldn’t seem to balance it all.
REALIZING WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE
Looking back now I can see that I used these set backs, challenges, whatever you want to call them as an excuse to not get out of my comfort zone and to, embarrassingly enough, blame my husband because I couldn’t get out there and discover more of who I am because I have obligations already set in motion.
If this sounds familiar you will be relieved to know that there is a way off of the hamster wheel. YOU, That is right, all decision made in your life are made by you. You are the only one able to change the situation. The question I had to start with is why? Why was I making this a pattern in my life? What was it that I was truly searching for and why hadn’t I found it yet?
So, I went down the self-discovery track. Once I understood that I GET TO DECIDE MY LIFE and no one else was creating it for me is when things began to changed. I say things began to change. I began to change. I decided to really investigate what was it that I was missing.
Down the road I went, back to my childhood I was certain the answers where there and I was right. With the help of therapy, I began to remember the role I played in my family. I was the youngest, my brother was 3 years older than I was. My Father and Mother were both hard-working middle class people who knew how to work hard and that is about it.
They were pretty much absent when it came to my brother and I. As long as the house was clean when my mom got home from her secretarial duties and my dad had a dinner plate set for him when he got home from a hard day at his automobile repair shop then life was good At least, for them.
Me on the other hand. I felt neglected and not just because my parents had no time for me, but because my brother was cruel to me growing up and when I phoned my Mom at work for help she would tell me to “stop antagonizing him”.
I compensated for the feeling of being a nuisance and an outcast in my own family by trying to become invisible. In order to do that I decided that my opinion, my goals and my needs were not important and I needed to do whatever I could. I thought if I became super helpful then my mom would see that I had value and I would become her favorite. That never happened.
GROWING UP OUT OF THE CHILDHOOD YOU
I think you get the picture. If you are not taught to value yourself as a child, it makes it difficult to do so as an adult. I carried the low self-esteem and the insecurities into adulthood. All of my relationships had the undertone of needing to please and put myself last in order to be loved theme going on. When you have that outlook in life and add a husband and children in the mix, bam .... you feel just like you did when you where a child, invisible.
It seems fair to blame all of your childhood trauma on your significant other right? Wrong, thank goodness he is the amazing man he is, otherwise we would probably be divorced by now. I love my husband and children very much. They are the family that I am not an outcast or a nuisance in. They love me and appreciate me and I want to be there for them.
At the same time, I am learning how to be there for myself and learning how to balance the needs of loved ones with my needs. Just being aware of my childhood triggers has improved my relationship with my husband, family and friends and has allowed me to make a different choice when old wounds pop-up.
Now more than ever I saw the importance of growing and nurturing my own interests my own ideals and goals. It was crucial if I were to feel a sense of wholeness, I had to grow myself up. I had to be important to me.
What I needed to find was a way I could discover my interest, yes I needed an income and a source of security for our future but I didn’t just want to find a job and work for a boss that expects me to live my life so they could succeed.
I wanted to find my way of life, something of my own that I could create and get behind. I had no idea what that looked like, and I honestly thought it didn’t exist until.......
FINDING YOU, WHAT A FEELING
One day, I was on You Tube scrolling through meditation videos from Abraham Hicks and an ad popped up before the video. The video itself was nothing special just a guy using his phone to create a video. He was talking about a free video series that allowed him a way to create an online business and a lifestyle he has always wanted. It was about how he was receiving guidance and mentorship in doing so.
I usually don’t click on the video ads and sometimes even find them annoying, but, there was something different about this one. I was quite curious. I found Dan to be honest and genuine and I wanted to know more about what he was talking about.
So, I clicked on the ad and received the Free 7-Day Video Series. It was a great decision, that video series started me on a journey into the online world and quite frankly why you are reading this today. I have learned so much through this program and most importantly I no longer put my value and my goals on the shelf. I could not imagine doing something that did not align with my core beliefs.
Yes, sometimes those old negative thoughts come creeping in about how I could never be a success at running my own online business, or I have nothing valuable to contribute to the online world. That is when the amazing community I belong to is my anchor for support. They are there acknowledging me and offer me amazing training and mentoring.
I love the fact that I receive so much back from the work I put in and I am not doing any of it alone. I have found my cheerleaders! I am blessed to have found a support system filled with people who have come before me and successfully done what I am learning to do and I feel unstoppable. There are many things I am meant to be in this life but invisible is not one of them.
I hope me sharing my story encourages you to discover your true self. We are not what are parents told us we where. We are not meant to live our life in survival mode, just getting by unnoticed. Our story and our lives matter. Everything that we have experienced and everything that we will experience has reason behind it and is of value for the growth of our human spirit.
If this has helped you or you have something you’d like to share please leave a comment. If you are interested in the free videos I mention just click the buttons for more information and enjoy your journey.