I used to be very confused when it came to love. When I felt the love in a relationship, I used to claim it all for myself. With claiming I mean that she should only give me the love and not to someone else. And I only gave her my love and not to someone else. Friends and family, they couldn’t get love anymore. It was all about us.
Love is about giving and receiving. Well, that is what was taught me. it actually became integrated into my belief system. Little did I know that it was very poisonous. I gained a new perspective after reading the book ‘Mastery of Love’ by Don Miguel Ruiz.
This book taught me that this breakable crystal star is my love. When I loved someone I would give that person this and she would be responsible for it and should take care of it. So if she would break it, I would go mad of course and she was to blame. If she made it bigger though, I would feel more love towards her.
Now, I realize that I am responsible for what my feelings are and if the crystal ball breaks and shatters, I cannot blame it on anyone else but me. But even I shouldn’t blame it on myself. Because blaming is spending life energy on things that aren’t necessary. I could take the responsibility to gather all the pieces and put them back together.
Just like the Japanese have their ‘Kintsugi’. When you break a porcelain cup, for example, and you repair it by using glue. The cup becomes even more beautiful. The philosophy behind it is that that goes for the mind and love as well. So through dark times when you broke, you become more beautiful with that experience.
But what is love then? As I am perceiving it now, love is not about giving and receiving. It is more like being vulnerable. Like in the movie ‘The Matrix’ there are backdoors in the matrix. Eventually, you walk in a hallway of doors. Behind every door is an emotion and you are the only one who can open the doors.
So when you open the door to someone to show them your beautiful heart, you show them your love. The person might actually resonate to the feeling of your heart, which is called empathy. And when that person allows you to step into his/her heart and if the two of you want to go on a journey together, that is what I would call love in a relationship.
Now, you have the responsibility to who you can show this love or even step inside. If that person doesn’t respect it and even damages it, it is up to you to let the person stay or kick out. Whether a person can return is also your choice.
If love is damaged, it is your responsibility to repair it. But that doesn’t mean you have to do that on your own. You could repair it with friends or family members. And if you are able to have access to forgiveness, you can actually repair it with the person who damaged it.
But just like the airport security, it is your responsibility to do the checks on the persons you let in and what that person brings. The checks for metals, for example, is easier than the checks on personality and mindset. And everyone’s mindset changes by time. We all gain new experiences and perspective that we might outgrow each other. The perspective of love has changed and so we might not be able to resonate. This doesn’t have to be labeled as good or bad, it just is.