So in my first blog I gave you a flash of my life. Maybe I already inspired you to make certain steps. All the coming blog post I will break my life down..
During my pregnancy I had moments that I couldn’t stop crying. I even had moments that I was pulling my hair because, the pain in side of my it was too much. And at that moment I could not handle the pain. Had nightmares about the father of my child that I could receive a phone call at any moment with bad news. With bad new I mean, that he was in a fight and he died. Or that they had beaten him up to death pff .. I can describe the fear I had .. But I had a life growing in side of me. That is a big mind*^# I did not understand the place I was in. I felt so unhappy with everything that I had, because I was alone .. When I was around the sixth month of my pregnancy. I was getting suicidal thoughts. Because I was alone when my mom was at work, the most of the time I was just walking through my home town. Sometimes I just walked straight ahead to the railway station. And just sit there thinking to jump. Because how can I enjoy my first born child without ‘my love’. I did not know how to step out of this pain and try to enjoy this ..
I was in a whatsapp group with the girls from my gym, named fight queens. I was one of the last new female fighters on the gym. So I didn’t actually know these girls. There was a girl in the group named Shadan. I had never trained with her because she stopped at the time I was training. But she was hella funny, I mean she would post these memes in the group and everyone would be cracked up hahha. And one time she said Cici (that is my name on the gym, like Queen B has Sasha) if you want to chill some time just give me a sign. But when you feel depressed and feel like you had died inside you don’t want to be with other people. An especially happy people or couples. But these bad thoughts were getting worse so I hit her up with a text. She was so happy that I responded on her invitation because we were strangers to each other. When I went to her place she took me under her wing. I felt so save and peaceful that it felt like God had send me an angel. Because his child was in walking towards a dark path .. She had bought all these delicacies from chocolate till fruits. A angel right!
From that moment it was like my second home. I had the best time of my life in a very long time. Just to laugh and don’t think about the ugly things. Because she showered me and my unborn child with so much love. When my mom went to work I would go to Shadan. She gave me this love that converted me. So after a while I opened up to her and told her about my situation. She was in shock but she also reminded me that I was not alone anymore. My son was on the way and he needs me! Shadan was like ‘’ Girl, don’t be sad I know it’s F#$! that you are alone but be grateful. Because not everyone can carry life’’ And that is true, not every woman can carry their own child. At that point she had her own struggle as well but she was SO positive it wasn’t normal. When the due date was getting closer. I could not thank Shadan enough so, I created my son’s name with hers. Because what she did for me a thank you wasn’t enough.
The message of this blog posted is, reach out! Don’t be alone, don’t hide in your room in the dark making yourself go crazy. Try to talk to someone. That can be a family member, a friend or your next door neighbor.
I believe that in every situation you are in right now or you went through. There is/was a reason for that it all happened. So don’t beat yourself down, you didn’t lose or fail. You needed this to bring your life to a higher level. Because you can learn from your on situations .. And this will give you the power to make steps towards your goals.
p.s come and join my FaceBook group; The Power Behind a Single Mom