I've learnt a few toss and turns about what boundaries are all about through the years. I'll tell you some stories about this so you can...
Maintain healthy boundaries!
What do I mean by "healthy boundaries"?
I mean that I can benefit from them. I know where I'm at and I feel confident that I will get back into my flow if I happen to loose myself in a situation.
But I don't keep boundaries only for myself. I keep them to make the world around me more manageble and world will know I can manage it...
And thus you've found the holy grail!
Sure! I'm stretching it a bit. But boundaries are in my opinion KEY. Pushing forward in this world in the direction you want to go will only be possible if you know your boundaries.
But what are they?
And what do they LOOK like?
Do I have the answer to YOUR questions?
But ONLY if you're prepared to listen to some smart people.
"I once was lost, but now am found
T'was blind but now I see"
I used to escape home on my moped when I was fifteen. I went to parties all night and when I came home no-one asked where I'd been.
I'm not telling this story to trash talk my parents. They did a good job (my opinion) but they left me with ZERO boundaries in many situations. So I had to figure out for myself what this little word "boundary" really means.
Byron Katie, the old self-help guru-lady, tells it like this:
There are THREE things to consider
But only one that you can do anything about.
YOUR buisness, your neighbours business and gods business.
Guess which one you can do anything about?
"What do you mean?"
Here we go: you are in love. You REALLY want to be with this person. You try to call this person, but no-one answers the phone.
You get anxious.
You get more anxious.
You text again.
The other person actually don't respond to you till late in the night and by that time you've become a little nothing on the floor waddling in it's own tears of misery.
Extreme example, but taken out of my own experience with bad boundaries.
So where did I go wrong? I put all of my emotional health in her hands. I decided "my emotional well-being is dependent on her responding to my NOW". And she didn't, because that's not at all her responsibilty.
My business became hers..which it isn't in the real world.
Like Brene Brown! She talks about vulnerability and asks the question:
What boundaries need to be in place for me to maintain my integrity and make my most generous assumptions about you?
I'd go with honesty for starters, not the blunt kind that set people off, rather honesty with yourself.
Am I really spending my time the way I want it? Do I have time for you in my life right now, or would I rather be doing something else?
What does it take for me to make a generous assumption about you?
In my relationship we sometimes make BAD assumptions about eachother. It happens! I think my partner really put that piece of cloth on my computer to make a statement and I call her out on it but in reality she just happened to throw it there.
OOPS. My mistake!
But what does it take to make a generous assumption in situations like this?
Guts. I'd go with guts.
Which lead me to my finale with this post
The GRAY ZONE. Where no-one knows what's on the table at a given moment.
You swipe your instagram feed at the breakfast table.
You mumble when your partner asks you a question.
You get all distracted because you've got your mind EVERYWHERE but in the moment.
Stuart Ross, one of the founders of the SFM (check it out here!) talks about the gray zone being one of the biggest road-blocks to making any progress in your life situation. And it's ALL about keeping boundaries in your life.
To me, making music takes A LOT of my time. This means I need to keep strict boundaries around my practising times. Otherwise nothing gets done!
I also need to keep good boundaries in place to keep the kisses flowing in my relationship :)