I'M GIVING MYSELF A PERMISSION TO PROCRASTINATE

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Finally, I left my boring and unfulfilling job. The time was up. I’ve managed to find the courage and when I returned to work after a long sick leave, I resigned on spot. There was no more what if, should I, shouldn’t I, how now… no more questions. I had only one answer. That’s it. Enough. No more fighting the old.

That moment was enlightening. That moment was the best feeling I’ve had in a long time. That moment was something I have desired and waited for so long. And it was suddenly here in front of me and I knew it was the right moment. Things have matured in me and I was about to start a new chapter in my life.

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Now I am going to allow myself to procrastinate. Well, in the end, what that word, that I’ve been hearing for so long, mean? That everybody was stressing it out and fearing like it was a contagious infection and terminal??

Procrastination: to keep delaying something that must be done, often, because it’s unpleasant or boring. So you know what? I will procrastinate now even more. As I am not willing to tolerate anything boring or unpleasant in my life. From now I’ll be doing nothing of what I hate, much less of what I hardy tolerate and lots of what I love. And if somebody thinks that’s procrastinating, so be it.

I am free now and my FREEDOM is the only thing I care about.

I don’t have to feel anymore I must be running around the office like a headless chicken with my laptop under my arm, and from one meeting room to another, usually to talk the same thing over and over, just to prove my worth and show how busy I am, that I am not procrastinating.

I am happy to procrastinate now.

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I don’t have to stay in the office later or send some very ‘important email’ from home at around 10 or 11 pm, just to show how busy I am again and not procrastinating. Or this is actually being proactive? I can’t tell the difference. To me it was still just a show off. Unnecessary theatre.

I don’t have to try hard to stay awake during boring meetings anymore, often to pinch myself from time to time, not to fall asleep. The meeting rooms were so inviting to take a nap...They had a perfect monotone sound and environments.

But you know what? They had a point too. I was procrastinating. As I knew I had to deal with this problem at some point and I was delaying it, true. I was putting it off for another day, something I could have done that day. I was too tired that day to deal with any problems due to lack of sleep usually. A lack of sleep due to stress caused by a fear of procrastinating. I felt I am expected to perform at 110% at everything and every day otherwise I’ll be constantly reminded of how my performance suffers, how I need to be more proactive. After work though I had no time to relax, another work was awaiting my 110% performance, my household, my children. Groceries, cooking, laundry, and and… Did I really have a time to ever procrastinate? Like ever ever? Or did I feel like a racehorse? Like there was someone with a whip over me ready to hit me every time I stopped to take a breath? More like it, right?

So yes, I am giving myself a permission to procrastinate, to take my time, to do what I love, when I like it and no more crap.

Finally I can and do take things slowly. If I feel like writing and producing something at 7 am, I get up and do it. But if I want to sleep, I sleep. After all, I’ll be more useful when I am rested and recharged. I have noticed immediate changes on my health too. Something that has been there for a long time, maybe years, suddenly it’s gone. Gone in two days? I don’t know how quicky, just gone and not giving me a bother anymore, like it has never been there.

My house is still messy, don’t take me wrong. I am not going to run around with a cloth polishing it unless strictly necessary. Then again I did give myself a permission to procrastinate, right? Perfectly right! And I am sticking to it. At the end of the day, my kids will benefit much more from me when I’m relaxed, semi-calm in a good mood rather than living in a perfectly clean house after 10 hours of work for which I was losing my sanity. And not only my kids will benefit, everyone.

The breaking point in taking the decision to quit came when I felt so sick at work one day, I had to leave. The stress was over boiled. Too much of everything piled up and something had to go. And the decision was suddenly easy. Clear. And since then even clearer every day. My head isn’t clattered any more, I am able to see the future. I am able to sleep through the night and wake up in the morning ready to rock. I am able to see opportunities I had no time to see or consider before, as I was ‘busy’, I had my busyness to take care of first. My proactivity that led absolutely nowhere anyway.

So please, STOP and think. What is procrastination really? Isn’t that someone is trying to imply on you the busy-ness just to own you for yourself? So you have no time to look around and see anything better? Make you feel guilty and like you'are wasting your time only because you wanted to rest for a bit. You can only be really proactive in something that is of your nature, in something that you enjoy doing, where you passion is. Simply, only if you LOVE it.

And I love my own business, my own job, my own decisions. Because I love FREEDOM.

And I am happy to procrastinate in boredom and things I dislike.

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Freedom is dear, and I paid the price. Are you willing to pay yours?

Stanislava

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