We, humans, are very interesting beings. It is curious how no matter how many times we say that we are in favor of freedom or freedom of choice, there tends to be a hidden desire to control others. Sometimes I wonder if this happens because we believe it is easier than controlling and analyzing ourselves.
In this post, I will share with you a very personal story, a story that had a major role in my life. There was an untold truth that might have been the influencer of very negative self-talk that chased me for more than 20 years.
When I was around 15 years old I was going inside my classroom, saw that my classmates were looking at a book with pictures of the time of the inquisition. I got closer, saw a specific picture with the form of a pyramid and then I stopped being in the classroom. Suddenly I could feel the pain, hear the screaming, smell the blood, a horrible scenario and the first time I had a glimpse of a past life.
Just like I jumped into that, I came back and I was in my classroom again. No classmates were to be seen, all the chairs and desks made the form of a circle and I was sitting on a chair in the middle of that circle facing someone who appeared to be a doctor. He informed me that I had had a seizure. That was the introduction I had to epilepsy and I felt ashamed of having that medical condition for years to come.
All teenagers feel lonely, all humans actually have felt that way and still do but only the healers, life coaches, therapist tend to hear about it. In my case epilepsy and the fact that I could see and feel things that others simply didn´t, made me feel very lonely, weird, sad and incredibly angry. The grades I had begun to sink, not all of them because we all have our strengths but many of them.
My mother told me that I had to repeat the year and that the school would only accept me if I went to see a psychologist. That was the story I believed for almost two decades. Because of this, I felt more ashamed and angry because I knew I was smart yet a “stupid” or “loser” label would be put on me. I felt lost because I had no guidance in the area of being psychic. I also felt that there would always be conditions for others to accept me, just like with the school.
Many years later I was telling my mum that I was a bit nervous because I had to make an exam to get the Australian citizenship and although it seemed fairly easy I still had that fear of failing because I failed in high school. Immediately my mum said that I hadn’t failed and then she spilled the beans…
Turns out that she wanted me to learn about consequences, I was being very cheeky and wasn´t studying when she told me to do so. The school had told her that because they were a very strict school, if I stayed there I would have to repeat the year but if I changed to a different school my grades would be good enough. Me going to the psychologist was my mum´s idea. She wanted me to learn that I had to work hard to achieve something otherwise I would experience the consequences.
I was holding the phone hearing these words in a floaty feeling where many emotions began to form. I knew I had to digest them before I said anything otherwise I would say things that could have hurt her enormously.
I felt anger, resentment, sadness, distrust and at the same time compassion and as if though a weight had been taken off my shoulders. To be honest, I only wanted to hang up the phone to understand what the hell was going on inside of me.
I became a mother when I was 25 and as time goes by, I have witnessed how I have made mistakes, said the wrong thing, made them feel sad, so many things because as a human I am imperfect. I have studied a lot about the human mind and one of the things that I remember very well and after that episode in my life, even more, is that we can not choose what others will learn or experience. Everyone has their own path and perspective on things; we are free.
We influence people yet we never control their thoughts, emotions or learnings. Victor Frankl confirmed this in his book “Man´s Search For Meaning” where he as a prisoner in a concentration camp in Auschwitz could observe the different behaviors and how they were influenced by time, the terrible conditions, the aggression and more. In the end, however, it was what was inside of them, their spirit, their mind that made the big change in attitude and survival.
My mother wanted to help me because through her eyes I would learn what she wanted but she forgot that I have a mind of my own. Was she selfish? A liar? Injust? I believe she was simply a mother trying to do what she thought would be best for her daughter.
Feeling ashamed of being who I was, feeling rejected, unworthy, doubting my capabilities and at the same time going with a psychologist had a huge influence on me. Thanks to the help of a therapist, although I felt I was just a bunch of ashes, I was able to be born again.
The time that that psychologist gave me, listening with compassion and with a true interest in teaching me about the mind influenced me so much that now my mission is to empower women. I help women so they can find themselves again, love themselves, trust themselves.
We can not control others, but we can control what we do with our life experiences. We can grow and help others, this is why I can accept the choices my mum made and the influence they had on me. I also am a firm believer that we choose our parents before we are born so we can fulfill our mission in this life and that perspective really helped me.
What would happen if you looked at your past with a different perspective? How would you feel? What if your past could empower you or at least that you could look back without feeling pain? You can choose a Healing Session by clicking here so that I can help you or you can find someone else yet it is important to take care of our emotions. I would love to leave you with a quote from Wayne Dyer:
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change”.
What will you do today to change or transform your life?
As always, I send love;