My experience with depression started in the army. When I finished the army "life" hit me.
I mean, what life supposed to be in Society terms.. This is your options- what do you "choose"?
how do u want to live? I felt cheated.
no one told me when I was little girl, one with the freedom of the spirit, that when i will grow up i'm gonna need to imprison my spirit.
Every time that I tried to take part in this options of life here, tried to start a new most uncomitted job that I could find, Anxiety used to comes up When I just thought about it.
Basically I used to go to a new place and after a few Minutes I wanted to run away. I thought it is about the kind of job, so I tried to look for so many different types, "maybe the place need to be in a open space that I can breath" I thought to myself, because when I visited a place, my breath stopped.
In most of the times I listened to my inner voice and run away, and In Few other times, I "succeeded" in shot down this inner strong feeling. I hated it. And i was so afraid of "this thing", this dark hole.
What im gonna do? How I'm going to sustain myself?
The worry from this "thing" used to bring up fears and depression again and again. I was always afraid from the moment that my parents will tell me again to do something, Get a job, live your life. And I just couldn't! I can't handle this extreme experience again and again.
Depression was for me the option to stay alive but not really live. Before I think of the final breath I can stay in this Intermediate space. This is how I saw this.( i must say that this is only MY experience, i dont know what it is Your case.)
I started see Psychotherapist when I was in the army, and continued this sessions for 3-4 years.
In this time I began intense inner Searching and exploration. I disconnected from the life that i lived, People and things that I used to do. I start to meditate. I used to have in this years some periods of times that I experienced depression. sometimes I thought that I was "out of it" but it used to keeps coming back.
There was point in this time that I thought that I know where is my solution.
I decided that I want to go to meditate in the east. And stay there.
I thought, life here are not for me, maybe my place is there. I had some savings and I decided to do it. So I booked a flight. And I told my parents that maybe I'm not going to come back..
I arrived in Thailand, and had a pre-ordained room in a monastery that offer Vipassana to foreigners. I stayed there two And a half months.
From there I flew to Myanmar for another month.
in this intense meditation, Layers started to Peel off of me, and in the last two weeks I just wanted to Dance and sing and listen to music.
I started to realize that I don't really want to stay, that I want to do other things.
But I was really afraid to go back home Because I knew with what I'm probably going to deal with again when I'm back. The anxiety started when I just thought about it.
When I told to my mom that I'm coming back, I knew it is real now, and I was really excited and happy, but also really anxious and worried.
I landed safely. And I started to Pay attention that things are little different in my experience.
I had the same experience as before, but on top of this, there was other thing, I understand that there is something here. And I had much less Doubt than before this journey, about that all of this happening for a reason. That this "thing" don't need to be fixed! That I am NOT Damaged!
That everything happened for a much bigger reasons and plans!
The universe Orchestrated that I will have the support to sustain the basic needs for me to be able to Exist in this period of time, and I think that it is for a reason.
If I have such a strong resistance for the life that are offered to me to live (and in this times we still need money to sustain our most basic needs) SO, Probably, I need to do something else.
What options are left?( If I still want to take a part in all of this, Because we allways have the option to doing nothing, and to not being able to sustain our most basic needs..)
In this times we have option to do something different, doing things that we love, share them, and connect. But the most important thing is to HELP! This is the main thing. Every one of us have something right now that can help other being. We can start with the most little things. And keep asking the questions: how can I help? How may I serve?
We are here to create something now.
we are here to be part of a big change.
We are here to help in the evolution.
All of us Necessary, I don’t say that only one group of individuals are doing a change.
Every one of us is unique and have his own unique
Gifts, talents, Abilities and mission.
Every living being in this times is necessary.
And only the person himself KNOW where is the place for him to be. What is his inner calling.
So I ask you now, what is your calling?