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It’s no wonder so many victims of domestic violence are of the belief that it’s their fault.  The gurus who talk about the Law of Attraction say that we attract people and circumstances into our lives based on what we believe.  Although no one could possibly want to attract violence into their lives, I believe that the attraction comes from our own self-belief of worthiness.  I was raised to believe that I was stupid; fat and ugly and wasn’t worth anything good.  Therefore, I attracted someone who would reinforce that belief that I was unlovable.

I was raised in a household where love was a commodity to be earned or bartered for.  There were no obvious signs of unconditional love, there was always a condition attached. 

I was the youngest of three children and was the only survivor of a set of twins.  My older sister hated me from the start and my mother believed that I had killed the other twin who she thought was a boy and by far a better prospect than me.  Truth be told, she never wanted either of us.  I can still hear her yelling at me that it should have been me that died and not the other baby.

This is never spoken of these days though.  None of the anger and withholding of affection is spoken of, just how bad my mother had it with us kids and my dad always out with other women or playing golf.  My mother to this day, and she’s now 90, can’t let go of the past or look for the good things that have come out of those days, ie., three intelligent and resourceful adults.  She holds on to the wounds like a badge of honour or a testament to how miserable her life has been.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and father very much, and they raised us based on what they knew out of their own upbringing experiences.  I am sure they never wanted to be so unhappy, it just happened that way.

Please feel free to leave a comment and ask any questions you may have.  I hope you will feel safe in reaching out to me because I know how hard it is to break the silence.  Give me a chance to help.

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